Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
