I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize