My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
