Someone shit on the floor
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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