Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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