I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
