my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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