I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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