Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
