Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
