I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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