Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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