nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
