I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
