So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
