She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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