He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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