Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
