i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
