Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
