Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
