I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I still have a little drunk in my system
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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