You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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