I CAN MOONWALK!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
