I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
