Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
