The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
