he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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