My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
