Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
