when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
