at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
