I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
