So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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