Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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