Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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