Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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