Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
