if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
