i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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