I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Randomize
