I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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