My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
