I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
