My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
