sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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