I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
