new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Shame is for Republicans.
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