I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
