Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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