You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
