i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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