y did u give ur computer a hand job?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
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