My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
