from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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