no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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