your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
