Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
