Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
