half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this is an emotional support booty call
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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